Everyone tells me to keep a journal rather than expose myself to the Internet through a blog. I always admired my dad and how he didn't give a shit what ANYONE thought. He would say how he felt no matter who he scared, pissed off or hurt. I'm not that way. I am at times, but I don't like when friends and family find my blog and read about time where I've cut myself or went into the hospital because then they fear me. The purpose of this blog is not to scare my friends and family.

I know my dad would want me to blog. He was so proud of his and I was so surprised at all online friends and fans that he had. He was his own celebrity in a way. People from all over the world adored him.

I'm not going to post this blog all over the place. I'll give the address to a few online friends and whoever else finds it, then great. This is going to be a place for me to rant and rave whenever I'm having a mood swing or whatever.

I was in the hospital a few weeks ago for cutting myself. My best friend moved away and I can't hold down a job without walking out after about a year because I get so upset over nothing. Luckily I sell my artwork on Ebay to help pay the bills.

I have had no motivation to paint anything over the last few days. I sometimes feel like It's a waste. And when I don't sell something I feel like shit.

I have no energy to get up and clean this disgusting house, I'm not tired enough to go back to bed. I just want to sit in a chair and stare at the wall for hours.

I hope this group therapy helps. I've been to so many groups in the past that I'm not very hopeful. What's the magic word that's going to change my life? Nothing. I'm going to sit there while everyone tells me to quit feeling sorry for myself, to grow up and to think about all the other people I'm hurting. Then I'll go home, think about how selfish I am and how I'm hurting those who care about me and I'll want to die.

I'm afraid of that. We'll see won't we.