I remember my first rage. I don't know what it was about, but I got into trouble over something stupid. Oh I remember. My evil used to be step-mother (for those of you who read Gut Rumbles I'm talking about the BC) found out that I had used her shampoo and she grounded me for 2 weeks. No coming out of my room except to use the bathroom and go to school. I got so mad that I grabbed a bunch of my long hair and cut it all the way down to the scalp. Right on top of my head. I had to wear my hair in a ponytail for months until it grew out. I was about 8 years old.

I've been struggling with uncontrollable mood swings ever since. When I'm under any kind of stress, I lash out at people. When I've been hurt or when someone looks at me the wrong way, I lay in bed and cry for days. When something good happens I get on this weird high where I shop, stay up all night, talk to everyone and have confidence that I normally don't have. That's why I love caffeine. It puts me in one of those highs.

When I look at my bipolar, I don't just have mania and depression. I have many different stages.

I have the down phase where I cry, can't get out of bed, feel suicidal, cry some more, eat a lot, fell hopeless, ugly and worthless.

Then I have the bad mania phase where I drive to fast and just don't give a shit about anything. I'll tell people off that I don't even know, I'll break things, scream, and during this point I really don't care if I get killed or go to jail. I end up getting pulled over by the police a lot during this phase. I also end up going off on the police officer which then lands me in the mental hospital. (They won't take me to jail I guess because they think I'm mentally ill though jail is where I'd rather be than the hospital)

I have the numb phase. Nothing bothers me but I don't feel like doing a damn thing either. Normally I can't STAND a messy house, but during this stage I just sit and stare at the TV, not really watching it. I don't care that my house is a mess, I don't care that my dogs are barking and humping each other, I don't want to talk on the phone, I don't want to eat, shop or do anything. Someone can scream in my face and I won't react.

I have the mania phase. This phase where I feel like I'm high on drugs. I come out of my shyness and talk to everyone. I'm up for anything and I love everybody. I get this weird boost of self-esteem and confidence. I think no one is better than me and that I can do anything.

Then I try to do something and fail and
right
back
down
I
fall
into my depression.

I'm sure this makes some sense to some of you and not to others.

I also thank you all again for the sweet comments and e-mails. I can't decide whether or not to run to Starbucks for an iced latte or just take a bath and lay down.